On 2nd Sept 1995, I said “I DO” 19yrs down the
line, what have I learnt? What do I wish I knew before saying I DO? Below are
some 19 lessons:
1.
Love is a choice, not an emotion: As more years
pass, you realize that each day you have to consciously choose to love. You
cannot rely on the “emotional” feelings you had the first month you met
2.
Love is a commitment: You must resolve to love
regardless. Marriage is not for those who want to try if it will work or not.
It I for those who resolve to make it work no matter the challenges.
3.
Leave your parents: Many marriages fail because
one or both partners fails to cut the umbilical cord to his/her parents. Don’t
keep going back to mama to cry! Focus on building your marriage
4.
Develop your own set of values: None of you
should impose his/her parent’s value to be fully adopted in your new family.
Many of the things your parent do/did, might not work for you 100%. Create your
own marriage constitution and live by it.
5.
Don’t borrow Money to finance the wedding: I am
glad we never borrowed a dime to finance our wedding! We told our families we
just had enough money to get into church, get married and come out happily as
husband and wife. If they wanted a celebration, they where welcome to host it!
And they did, a garden reception
6.
Don’t believe the lie that “Banja ndi mavuto”
choose to create a happy marriage not a sad one. What ever your chosen mindset
about marriage is, it will manifest.
7.
Choose to focus on the good and not the
weaknesses: We all have the bad side, but love must choose to focus on the
good, on what is lovely, what is praiseworthy. As in the bible and holy Quran
8.
“Keep the main thing, the main thing”: your
marriage should be the main thing. Avoid the temptation to separate and live in
different town, cities, countries just to “earn a living” Life is for living,
and choose to live it together. Let what God has put together remain together.
9.
Learn to forgive: If you are just young in love,
you take things too seriously sometimes. Listen your mate is just human and full
off errors and weaknesses. If you want to marry an angel, then wait till you
are dead!
10. Choose
which battles to fight and which to ignore: Our first major fight within a
month of our marriage was about how to hang curtains! Years down the lane, I
don’t give a damn how they are hung!
11. Grow
and develop with your partner: Don’t let only one of you do the extra studies,
the extra reading, the career advancement. You need to keep a healthy closeness
mentally.
12. Create
special moment to remember: Don’t let your marriage be dull by following a
boring routine of waking up, going to work, coming back, eating, sleeping,
waking up again… Do some special things together or for each other that will
create special memories that will live-up your marriage. Remember events are
for a while but memories are for a life time
13. Raise
your children together: fathers, you have a heavy responsibility to raise the
children. Change the nappies, put them to sleep, play with them. Well-disciplined
children reduce stress in the home. Undisciplined, unruly kids bring strain to
a marriage.
14. Have
role models: There are sweet couples out there that you should aspire to be
like. Learn from them. Find out the mistakes of the failing couples so that you
don’t make them yourselves.
15. Learn
to communicate well to each other: I have learnt over the years that many
arguments can be avoided by simply knowing what to communicate, how and when to
communicate. Certain arguments come simply because of wrong timing in
communication. Learn your spouse and know when to communicate.
16. Realize
that you are both changing: we met when we where both in college, first year. I
had no single white hair! The ups and down of life take a toll on you and years
change you. She might not maintain her figure! He might develop a potbelly! Both
of you change so be ready to accept each other as you age.
17. I
wish…someone had told us hoe to plan long-term and how to save and invest. Over
the years I have come to appreciate that it costs money to live a decent loving
life. And generally, women don’t like perpetually broke men!
18. I
wish… I had developed my listening skills. I keep annoying my wife by switching
off while she is still speaking (God help me!) I have also discovered that as
men we jump to offer solutions when all the lady is looking for is empathy.
19. I
wish… I has started a solid investment for each of our children the month they
where born.. a college fund or real estate investment.
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